Babies

Christina asked me this question in the comment section of my post about Benjamin....

"I would really love to hear more about your thoughts leading up to your decision. Having another child (and going through another pregnancy) is a scary thought for me right now. I think I'm in the place you were a few years ago. What would you have said to yourself back then?"

Boy-Howdy Christina if you lived close by you would have certainly walked through that decision with me....whether you liked it or not.

Cause my sweet friends listened with dragging ear lobes about my anguish and turmoil over making this decision. For years.

I cannot even claim to have had physical reasons behind my hesitation but mostly just plain fear....and a little bit of complacency.....and a whole lot of selfishness.

Do not read that last sentence to mean that if you are not planning more children then you are selfish. This is how I would describe my own reasons for struggling in this area and it most certainly wouldn't pertain to anyone else :)

Selfishness along the lines of....

"I am done with that season!" (whew) or
"I have alone time now!" (amen) or
"I can finally do this, that, or the other!" (hallelujah)

Not that it is wrong to recognize the blessings of each season and their passing and how God graciously beckons us to that next chapter of our lives. But. I still had quite a stirring in my heart and it just wouldn't go away.

And here is where the struggle would reveal itself. Again....and again.

So my short answer to Christina for "what would I say to myself" would be to completely turn fear and anxiety over to God during the process.

He was and is faithful to grant mercy and grace in the fullest measure for my life when and only when I need it. I knew I could not stand on this side of that decision and be able to grasp what my family would look like with four children....or a child with special needs....or the loss of a pregnancy. Even though each of those concepts were foreign and frightening to me, I had to lean on God and trust the longing that I know he placed in my heart and kept there for a reason.

I came to this same place when we made our decision to homeschool. I stood at the edge of commitment and looked downward at this valley of fear and worry that only looked dark and looming from my perspective. It was only after I rested in His absolute and perfect provision and stepped across that threshold that I realized that my perspective was so tainted. Tainted because my heart is tainted. Tainted because my vision is blurred. Tainted because I am a sinner and so everything I do with my own strength and by my own accord is so horribly tainted.

Thank you God for salvation. Thank you God for never leaving your throne. Thank you God for considering the details of my little life before my little life even began.

I truly believe that standing still in the midst of decisions that God is calling us to make can be the most miserable place in the world.

Benjamin has been a blessing. No doubt.

But the greater blessing has been in the obedience. Not the obedience to have more babies or to homeschool because these things are all relative to the hearts and lives of each person.

I am talking about the radical obedience to trust God. His ways are not my ways.

Thank goodness.

"Who among you fears the LORD
and obeys the voice of his servant?
Let him who walks in darkness
and has no light
trust in the name of the LORD
and rely on his God."

Isaiah 50:10