Insight

My very best friend and sister in Christ has been walking a very lonely and dark path these last few months.

Her blog is on my sidebar but she has not updated there in a while. She has created another blog which is private due to the circumstances that she is going through and writing about.

To give you just a glimpse into her world and the history that shaped her life until now ...

• Tiff was married to her college sweetheart the same year that Chris and I married (1991).

• He graduated from seminary in 1994 to continue his career in the music ministry and they had their first child.

• We met in 1995 when our firstborn children were just months old. Together, we worked at our church's Mother's Day Out program. Her husband was on staff there.

• Their friendship, marriage, and testimony for Christ was the tangible example that God used in our life during His gracious revival in our hearts.

• Our second born children came in 1997, just months apart. We grew as mothers and wives. Money was tight and marriage was hard.

• In 1999, their third child was born and our family moved 1300+ miles away to Virginia. Hands-down the most difficult thing we had done (as a family). Within several months, they loaded up all three of their babies (one still nursing) and drove the 24+ hours it took to get here.

• They have done this several times and our vacations have almost always intersected so that we could see one another.

• He (her husband) left the ministry in 2000 and began a very lucrative and successful career in the real estate.

• They (their family) have always been active in the local church ... teaching ... singing ... leading bible study, etc.

• In 2007, they began homeschooling their children and moved to the country.

• Because of the impending divorce and the catastrophic financial situation, Tiff and her three children are living in a two-bedroom apartment. She is still homeschooling. She works nights as a waitress and prays that God provides for her needs ... financially ... physically ... emotionally ... and spiritually.

And He has. And He will.

Below I have copied her most recent post from her blog (with her permission). I have done this because I see so many in this situation. I want to cry out to these families as well! I have seen the devastation that divorce brings, having lived through it myself as a child. Watching this unfold all over again and in the most unlikely of homes has been breathtaking in the worst way.

Pray for this family. But also, take heed. There is wisdom in her insight ... and it came with a great price.

Sharing

I haven't wanted to get on here and type out my feelings because it just hurts too much to see what I am feeling, living, and experiencing in black and white....it makes it real and at the same time it does help me heal and get it out of my head and into a space that I can look back some day and see what I was thinking, feeling, and going through. It is a way to purge and come away clean and somewhat at more of an understanding of myself. Two of my closest friends have said to me in the last few days....why aren't you blogging? They KNOW me and they know that it either means I am really just busy, OR the more likely...I'm really in a yucky place and that's when I retreat into my hole, home, self....it is a lie that my enemy tells me and I forget some days and listen to the lie....Just shut up...go away...and then you will be able to withdraw from it all. I have had some days where I was being still before the LORD. REAL STILL....as if I had a back spasm and I couldn't move, or I would do more damage to my nerves...so I literally laid all most paralyzed, numb, not thinking...just praying and begging God please do a work, miracle, move please God...I believe You can if you just wanted to....

Many days though I just thought of all that I had, and all that I was losing. I can look back and see so many things that I should have, could have, would have done different if I only knew that this is for real how things were going to end up. Why does it take something this drastic in order for God to get my full attention? I will not pretend ever that I was a perfect wife and mom. I struggled with my own affairs in so many ways. I was at one time a lover of this world and the material things that money could afford and allow. I admit it...I got caught up in the image of having it all together...nails, hair, SUV, home, clothes...not so much for myself, but the names smeared across my own kids chest, vacations, stuff, stuff, and more stuff that made me LOOK like I was just doing it all right....POWER, POSITION...being KNOWN was important. I have never WANTED to be the one in charge, but often found myself ending up there. There was a sense of pride and feeling like I had a say in something. Getting OUR name out there to helpful to my husband's business and that was top priority for me. It also helped me feel important, needed, and useful for more than just being a housewife and mom. The power and position helped me have a say, and helped my kids get good teachers and be respected because I cared and was willing to show up and do. I have been accused of not being supportive...in fact the divorce decree states the reason for our divorce is insupportability! I tried to have it changed to adultery, but we couldn't come to an agreement on that in mediation...and I gave in hoping it would help appear that I was trying to give some in the negotiations....God knows the truth....friends and family know the truth....and he knows the truth.

Really I supported our lifestyle way too much, and didn't love my Lord daily enough. I now look back and see the straight up sin in my own life and choices, and am now living the consequences. No I am not saying that his affairs are MY fault, but there are so many things I might could have done differently that would have softly encouraged my husband to stay in the Word, and stay with us. I guess what I'm trying to say is...if you find yourself in a materialistic, selfish, self centered place in your life....please stop and consider the possible consequences of that sin. Too little, too late. I can look back now and see the signs were clear...well in my gut I knew...but satan can get me so absorbed into my own pain and pity that sends me to my bed. I literally sleep away, and hope that it will all just disappear and stop.

No more....I've gotta get it out, speak up, and share my heart. No matter how real, ugly, and beautiful I hope this can get or turn out. I know that God does have a plan for me tomorrow, and the next day, until he allows me to come home...I am every day going to get on here and let these letters on each key turn into my story that God is going to use to I hope save many marriages, many families, and many women from walking down this path that I am on at the moment. My prayer is that God will use something I do, or say, or share to stop someone in their tracks and look at their own hearts to see if they too are getting sucked into the lies of this world.

Faith
Family
Friends

Each of these are all that truly matters to me in each day. In each of these are multiple levels of things to be done and said....so that I can lay my head on my pillow at night and KNOW that He has used me to love and serve each one of them as well as He enables me. I am so blessed when I see the many fruits of each of these over the past six months. My heart is full and overflowing as I think of how my faith has grown in spite of the scary battle I have been fighting. My heart is full when I see my family stepping in...in so many ways and becoming more real and closer through these horrible times we ALL seem to be going through. My heart is overflowing when I see just how many friends God has blessed me and my kids with over the years...but even more now through this horrific journey we are on. I am hurting, humbled, and honored all at the same time because of what I have been allowed to experience.

Thank you for spurring me on...Encouraging...Loving...Speaking truth and wisdom and love into my life. I will forever be changed, and in this I AM rejoicing.

I was so done with the false life of putting on, producing myself, and keeping the fa-sod( facade) going! How exhausting, fake, and wrong it was of me. I want to encourage each person to stop, look at what they are doing...thinking...speaking....pretending in their own lives and see what and where God needs to step back in and take control before it is too late and satan has done his damage...not just here on earth, but eternally!

I served a family tonight that reminded me so much of myself...3 girls...one momma....overweight...wearing jeans, sweatshirt, tennis shoes, hair in a pony, no makeup...Dad on his I-phone and he was snappy, ordering for everyone, and somewhat in a hurry because he was gonna have to go back into work... Now lately it feels like every man I see is cheating, or overworking, or both....but I just got a real sick feeling in my gut that made me see how this whole thing will play out...possibly...bless their hearts! As he is texting...the mom and girls are just sitting there somewhat engaged with each other, but not really a family unit...coming together to sit eyeball to eyeball and share and laugh about each of their days. So many parents have become tuned to self via our technology and "COMMUNICATION" age.

Does it also seem odd to anyone else how now that we can communicate with so many via phone, text, email, blogging, facebook, cell that our families are breaking down more and more? I saw it happen first hand. My husband coming home on phone, plug in his lap top, I'm plugged into my computer, or tv and walla...you've got yourself a mess! Even driving down the road...where used to you could get away from it all...and we are both on our own phones...in our own conversations. So many affairs happening through texting...things can be shared, said, or flirting is made so much easier. I'm seriously in awe by the way that satan can take what should be meant for good and use it to pervert, tear up our families, and make us think we've gotta be plugged in at all times...reachable...even during church! Stop and think y'all...I have...just how much damage is being done when our own kids sit at the dinner table with their phones texting friends...not stopping to engage in family time...a rarity!

I wanted to take that momma by her shoulders...shake her ever so gently...and scream...sweet precious woman...wake up, work out, and walk back into this marriage and family and fight for all that you have to lose if you don't let God take control of YOU! Now yes I have to say and hope that her hubby was really going back to work to work...but y'all even work can be a mistress if you let it take over your family and marriage!

Well it is 3:00 in the morning...I had my power sleep of about an hour and a half and then woke up with the previous thoughts on my heart and knew that I had to get on here and get it out....don't know who this will be for...if just for myself...but I am praying that God will use my pain to keep someone else from having to go through it in their own life.

Love YOUR God...Love YOUR Family

by taking care of your walk and yourself!