Thursday, April 19, 2007

How to make cottage cheese...

Did you know you can make cottage cheese in about 15 minutes? Oh yes. You can.

Here's what you do. Give your emptied belly preschooler two large cups of milk first thing in the morning. Be sure and expose him to to an upchucking 4-year old the previous day. That last part is of the utmost importance.

Seriously, the boy gulped down his milk. Two large glasses. Threw them up only minutes later and "Wa-La"....cottage cheese.


No warning whatsoever. Emma and Samuel both could throw-up in the middle of taking their SAT's or walking a tightrope and just wipe off their chin, blow their nose, and keep right on going. What in the world is that??? Hannah and I go into hysteria mode. Honestly, I am talking about real live hysterical behavior. With a whole lot of tears and hollerin' out "oh, God, please don't let me throw up" chant-like prayers while rolling around on our backs. It is a site to behold. Lucky for us we don't "behold" it very often.

Samuel had two concerns:

1.) When can I finish my breakfast?
2.) Please don't wash my hair. (which was filled with cottage cheese)

He never even bothered to sit up. He just laid back in his eezy-breezy fashion, drinking his milk, watching a little Arthur. And then started throwing up. But he never moved his body or made a sound. Just sat there and threw up all over himself (and the sofa and the non-washable pillows). I come around the corner because Emma says, "Mommmmaa....I think Samuel is spilling his milk"

Oh, yesiree. That's what he was doing all right.

When I get to him, he just takes a deep breath....puts both hands up in the air (like "I dunno") and shrugs his shoulders. As if to say, "ain't my fault".


I go to scoop him up and this obviously sets off the barf-button in the brain so he starts up again. Now it is aimed straight at me. I flip him around and try to make a run for the bathroom. He is still spilling over. Emma is watching from the kitchen and starts to cry. Merciful Heavens.

"Oh sugar, what's wrong?" (me)

"I just can stand it, momma. I hate to see him go through that. It makes me worried and scared." (E)

Well then. Now you know how I feel, huh?

I banish her to upstairs, call the neighbor to take her to school, coat her with Lysol & hand sanitizer, and send her with a banana.

Time to set off the Lysol and Febreeze Bomb in my house. Time to try and scoop cottage cheese clumps off my furniture. Time to convince my boy that he WILL NOT be consuming anything for the next several hours.

This was not on the agenda.


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry Sam isn't feeling well, but this post made my belly hurt I was laughing so hard!

My kids throw up like that, too. I don't understand it. When I was a kid, I thought vomiting was a death sentence--I just knew that I was going to die--because I couldn't breathe...I can even remember the last time I threw's been four years...before that, my last puke-free streak lasted 11 years!!! I'll do anything to not throw up. Like you really want to know this....anyway, maybe we should take puke lessons from our kids. Just relax, stand over the toilet, and let it out. No crying. No screaming. Brush your teeth and go about the day.

Jenn said...

Let me know if you need anything ... and then I'll just drop it off in the cul-de-sac! :)

Anonymous said...

I feel your pain but not your panic, sister. Just another day with Al IV at that age. Remember McDonalds.....? Love ya, the Lurker

Kim said...

I'm so sorry, Kim! I hope he is much better really soon.

Anonymous said...

EWWWWWWWW YUCK! The descriptions were just a tad overboard, but man can you write sister!!!!

I'm right there with you and Hannah! I go into a really whiney, spaze type cry that only my momma, or Marv can help me deal with! And yes Marv still has to stand there right by me ~rub my back, hold my hair, and tell me to breathe cause I don't breathe when I blow chunks! I think it's some kind of sick joke that God decided to create some of us to suffocate when we get the throw up virus!

I'll never forget the first time I went to Marv's parents home in college and we were sitting at the breakfast table eating a good ole country breakfast when all of the sudden Marv's dad jumps up and heads to the bathroom to be sick. Everyone just sat there, and sure enough within minutes he was back at the table finishing up his biscuits and gravy! Wow now that's hungry y'all!

I on the other hand will never forget the last major horrible stomach virus I had back in 1990 when I had taken 5 too many trips to the Mr. Gatti's buffet and was literally having to blow chunks of pizza dough out of the nostrils! I still think of that everytime I go to Gatti town...I no longer make 5 trips to the buffet either!

Don't think I'll be eating cottage cheese anytime soon sweet friend!

Thanks for the laughs,


Tiffany said...

I just had to read this again....funny yet again the second time!!! How is the little stinky feeling? Did it get passed around to sisters, or even worse de momma and de papa?

Love you guys,

s.j.simon said...

did you know how cheese was invented? It wasnt necessity, it was an accident, read this