Once Again ... His Provision

We are hustling around finishing the time-honored and traditional "to-do's" in these last few days before Christmas. Lately, I have mostly posted pictures, because the other hot topics in my life (homeschooling, raising teenagers, our church search) would require a block of my undivided attention ... Even this one post has been interrupted five six seven times.

I thought it would serve to enlighten any new readers about what kind of state I was in a couple years ago around this time of year. You should also read this post, just in case you ever get the cu-hu-razee notion that I have it all together and sweet joy springs forth from my home, each and every day.

A couple of warnings. This is an extremely long post and it carries with it a very "woe is me" theme.

Oh, and when I read through it, I wanted to edit it for content and grammatical mistakes at least 27 times. But I didn't. I have to really weigh my choices carefully and be wise and discerning in my decisions so that I am a good steward of my time.

See how much I've grown?

Here's the post.

Babies

Christina asked me this question in the comment section of my post about Benjamin....

"I would really love to hear more about your thoughts leading up to your decision. Having another child (and going through another pregnancy) is a scary thought for me right now. I think I'm in the place you were a few years ago. What would you have said to yourself back then?"

Boy-Howdy Christina if you lived close by you would have certainly walked through that decision with me....whether you liked it or not.

Cause my sweet friends listened with dragging ear lobes about my anguish and turmoil over making this decision. For years.

I cannot even claim to have had physical reasons behind my hesitation but mostly just plain fear....and a little bit of complacency.....and a whole lot of selfishness.

Do not read that last sentence to mean that if you are not planning more children then you are selfish. This is how I would describe my own reasons for struggling in this area and it most certainly wouldn't pertain to anyone else :)

Selfishness along the lines of....

"I am done with that season!" (whew) or
"I have alone time now!" (amen) or
"I can finally do this, that, or the other!" (hallelujah)

Not that it is wrong to recognize the blessings of each season and their passing and how God graciously beckons us to that next chapter of our lives. But. I still had quite a stirring in my heart and it just wouldn't go away.

And here is where the struggle would reveal itself. Again....and again.

So my short answer to Christina for "what would I say to myself" would be to completely turn fear and anxiety over to God during the process.

He was and is faithful to grant mercy and grace in the fullest measure for my life when and only when I need it. I knew I could not stand on this side of that decision and be able to grasp what my family would look like with four children....or a child with special needs....or the loss of a pregnancy. Even though each of those concepts were foreign and frightening to me, I had to lean on God and trust the longing that I know he placed in my heart and kept there for a reason.

I came to this same place when we made our decision to homeschool. I stood at the edge of commitment and looked downward at this valley of fear and worry that only looked dark and looming from my perspective. It was only after I rested in His absolute and perfect provision and stepped across that threshold that I realized that my perspective was so tainted. Tainted because my heart is tainted. Tainted because my vision is blurred. Tainted because I am a sinner and so everything I do with my own strength and by my own accord is so horribly tainted.

Thank you God for salvation. Thank you God for never leaving your throne. Thank you God for considering the details of my little life before my little life even began.

I truly believe that standing still in the midst of decisions that God is calling us to make can be the most miserable place in the world.

Benjamin has been a blessing. No doubt.

But the greater blessing has been in the obedience. Not the obedience to have more babies or to homeschool because these things are all relative to the hearts and lives of each person.

I am talking about the radical obedience to trust God. His ways are not my ways.

Thank goodness.

"Who among you fears the LORD
and obeys the voice of his servant?
Let him who walks in darkness
and has no light
trust in the name of the LORD
and rely on his God."

Isaiah 50:10

What He Said...

I have always felt this way about women in combat. Piper has a way of articulating thoughts so that they make absolute perfect sense.

I love perfect sense, especially when it centers around God's design, which is always perfect.

He followed up with this article.

Overload

Do you ever have so many thoughts in your head that if you selected just *one* to focus on, then all the other 32,000 might spontaneously combust?

That would be me....my life....and my thoughts these days.

Just a few short months ago, our house was on the market and we were a mere box, skip, and a jump away from moving.

I have thought several times about writing through that ordeal, but remember? I am pregnant and the first 12-weeks did a mighty fine job of sucking out the brain cells that control ordered thought and correct spelling.

So, instead I wrote a little bit about pregnancy and assumed I would get back to the whole sordid affair of our disrupted plans for country living.

Then summer came into full view and we spent every last cotton pickin' minute swimming and hiding our calendar......It was good.

Despite our slothy appearance, we still have had to make plans for homeschooling (another slightly large change) as well our our trip to Disney next month.

In this midst of these changes, which have proven to be so wonderful despite the sometimes difficult process that came with them, there was one change that I am still right smack dab in the thick of.

My Lea Ann is gone to Maryland and she took her family with her. We have known about this move for a whole year but did a phenomenal job of living in denial and refusing to talk about it.

It worked until now.

I am certainly not ready to write about this change just yet, as it has kept my thoughts, which are tied to my heart, in a real slow funk for the last few weeks.

God has blessed this friendship. However long we had together here was to be counted as a blessing. I know how "close" Maryland is and how that will make things "easier" for us to visit. Unfortunately that does very little to soften this blow.

It is what God has ordained. Because of this and my complete abandon for my own mediocre plans I am restful in His plan and at peace with what this distance looks like.

But it hurts my heart in ways that I cannot even visit just yet.

So in order to pull my head up off the pillow and reduce the puffiness from my jellyfish eyeballs I will post a few pics from our trip to *Selah* this past week. This little piece of heaven is the home of Kelly's parents and they are the most hospitable hosts I have ever known. I have tried desperately to figure out how to worm my way into this family. My wheels are still spinnin'.....

The weather was dreary and cool, but that was a refreshing break from the 100-degree melting pot we have had here at home. We hung out and went into Charlottesville to buy some much needed maternity clothes. Kelly is pregnant, 7-weeks behind me so I have someone to share in the joy of pregnancy and the woes of heartburn. I LOVE IT!

I will post some more pictures, but this little montage of the girls makes me laugh out loud. I hardly ever catch them on film acting "themselves" but if you know them, you will see their true colors all over these photos :) A big "muwah" to my camera. I love that I found something that moves as quickly as my life!

How I became a blogger...

How did you start blogging?

My friend Tiffany (Flying Freckle) said..."read this blog". I did. Then she said....."you should get a blog". But I thought it was weird so I did not. I talked about it with some friends (Lurker) and they (just she) said it was weird. Then I talked about it with Chris and he said it was weird too. Then one day when I was feeling very very weird....I started my blog. Some people in my circle still think it is very weird but Chris and the Lurker have warmed up a bit.

Did you intend to be a blog with a following? If so, how did you go about it?

No. I did not even know that blogs *had* followings. I know there are ways to generate traffic but I do not enlist such methods. Too much pressure. I care too much about what other people think. The last thing I need is people pounding at my blog doorstep looking for my post.

I have underwears to wash.

What do you hope to achieve or accomplish with your blog? Have you been successful? If not, do you have a plan to achieve those goals?

I guess if I actually set out to accomplish something with my blog it would be to chronicle our life a bit and have some sense of memory capturing since I don't scrapbook or journal very well. As a byproduct of that desire I found that writing has been a wonderfully cathartic way to express my thoughts. If I could somehow glorify God through that process of sharing His grace in my life and exposing the Word as the only absolute truth on this earth than that would be an achievement. Only He could say if I were successful in that.

Has the focus of your blog changed since you started blogging? How?

Not so much. I do think I have been more bold at times when speaking about convictions or beliefs but I still hope to point to Him through those expressions.

What do you know now, that you wish you'd known when you started?

Nothing really. I have enjoyed the process of "finding my way".

Do you make money with your blog?

Again with the pressure. To me, making money with my blog would be like being paid to eat donuts. It would be a very bad relationship and the motive would be all wrong. The donuts would know that the love was gone and I was just looking for the dolla'. Not pretty. Honestly, I would feel too pressured and my posts would be a bit tainted. That's just me folks. I read other people's blogs who I think should be paid a pretty penny because their thoughts are just out of this world and I would have paid cash money for that kind of therapy :)

Does your immediate or extended family know about your blog? If so, do they read it? If not, why?

Yes, some do know about it and some read it. I suppose if they know about it and don't read it, then they probably hate me....or else they just don't read blogs. I am insecure, so I would lean towards the "they hate me" theory.

What two pieces of advice would you give to a new blogger?

1.) Don't put *everybody* in your "links". In my opinion it is much easier to add someones blog than it is to remove someone. Just when you think you have found someone like-minded, they could publish a post that is polar opposite of your convictions and beliefs. While I think it is perfectly fine to read blogs and gather insight from people who are different I feel that is something more when you are referring others to that same blog and it quietly infers that you agree with that blogger on some level. Just my opinion :)

2.) I agree with Leslie on this one. Don't write for man's approval. Don't question the posts that are in complete alignment with the Word. Write with a conviction to stay true not just to you and your family but to God and his commandments. The only following I could condone would be behind Jesus Christ and in that....I am just one of the followers.

If you go to Chilihead's website you can read about your favorite bloggers and their blogging saga. I'm sure it involves a great deal more ambition than what you will find here, but hey people.....I'm just keepin' it rill.